“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24).

At last year’s Men’s Weekend, we talked about the bonds of brotherhood, noticing the impact and blessing of close Christian friends. Connecting that weekend, many of us realized how much we wanted to strengthen these bonds. Folks started brainstorming how to do more together. I was one of those people. You’ll never believe what happened next. It’s the most obvious thing, yet it often sneaks up on us. It’s the thing that fills up all our days, takes up all our energy, and translates all of our opportunities into memories. It’s called LIFE. We all got busy with the stuff of life and didn’t do nearly as much as we wanted. So, we set out this year to finish what we started, turning those good intentions into reality.

“love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13).

Build Brotherly Bonds.

Friendships don’t just happen; we have to create them with intentionality and committed action. Here are seven steps you can begin taking today to strengthen your relationship with your brothers and sisters.

1. Choose righteous people (1 Cor. 15:33; Prov. 22:24-25; Ps. 1:1). They say you become like the five people you spend the most time with. Even if that’s only partly true, we must carefully choose friends.

2. Spend time with them (1 Pet. 4:9; Rom. 12:10). Don’t underestimate your calendar as a friendship construction tool. Schedule time together and watch the trust grow.

3. Open up to them and listen to them (Eph. 4:25; Jam. 1:19; 5:16). Maximize the quality of your time together by getting into their world and letting them into yours. Get curious enough to ask meaningful questions and be courageous enough to allow them “in” to what’s happening with you.

4. Share your highs and lows (Rom. 12:15), your trials and triumphs.

5. Appreciate them. Give thanks for them (Phil. 1:3-5) and express appreciation to them (Phil. 1:7-8; 4:1). Enjoy them! They’re a gift of God! Think of them and pray for them (Phil. 1:9-11).

6. Try to love them as Jesus loves you (John 15:12). Sometimes they’ll need support, sometimes you’ll serve them, and occasionally it will mean sacrificing for them. That’s the new standard Jesus outlays for friendship.

7. Encourage them to grow in Christ (Heb. 10:24-25; 2 Pet. 1:5-13). These friendships bring incredible joy and richness to life, but their greatest value comes from how we can help keep each other on the path to eternal life (Jam. 5:19-20).

Get as close as you can to as many brothers and sisters as you can, but don’t expect to have the same relationship with everyone.

Barriers to Brotherly Bonds

“‘Nobody talks about Jesus’s greatest miracle,” writes Andrew Bunt, “having twelve close friends in his 30s.” He continues, “I don’t know many people in their 30s who could say they have 12 close friends. Jesus seems to have been unusually good at friendship and to have really valued it.” Three obstacles to strong, godly friendships we returned to several times over the weekend were our limitations, differences, and anxieties.

1. Our limitations: One of the charts we looked at this weekend was a pie chart of the different domains of life. As I drew it on a whiteboard, I realized I made some of these slices too big. “And there,” said Rick, “is the harsh reality of life.” As finite creatures, we hit our heads on the ceiling of limitations. Our money, our knowledge, and even our willpower have limits. But our time and energy are the most frustrating limitations for most of us. All the other parts of the pie chart compete for time and energy. So, marriage can be an obstacle to friendships. When I got married, my friends immediately complained that they never saw me anymore. Adding a new slice to the pie means some other slices had to shrink. Kids, work, and aging parents take time. But here’s a helpful, shocking truth: while in the flesh, Jesus was limited too. How did he deal with his limitations? Christ didn’t try to have the same level of closeness with everyone. He spent more time and energy on certain people, like the disciples, especially Peter, James, and John. He loved everyone so much that he died for them and brought care and attention to each interaction (cf. John 4) — but there were some he especially loved as friends (John 11:5). So get as close as you can to as many brothers and sisters as you can, but don’t expect to have the same relationship with everyone.

2. Our differences: We bond over what we have in common. But have you ever thought about the differences in Jesus’ friend group? A former zealot spent every day walking with a former tax collector. Jesus didn’t seem stuck on similarities in backgrounds and interests beyond their interest in following him. And their differences pale compared to the difference between his disciples and him. He could see their flawed attitudes and confused worldviews. He was as different as a person could get. He was perfect. But he came and became like us to create this friendship. Now, he can sympathize with our weakness. And he made a way for us to become like him. So get interested in the interests of others (Phil. 2:1-11).

3. Our anxieties: So many “what ifs” arise as we initiate new friendships. “What if they say no? What if they don’t like this kind of thing? Or don’t like me? What if no one comes?” But take courage in the Lord’s strength (Josh. 1:8). Aim to serve. Make an offer or an invitation, and give people room to decide what they need or want. They, too, are limited and can’t do everything or connect with everyone.