Ask Question #51
How do we know if we have truly forgiven someone? We may say we have but we still think about how they have wronged us? And we don’t want to be around them or spend time with them. Do they need to ask for forgiveness for us to forgive them?
“When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly*” (1 Peter 2:23).
The Debt Is Real
Something real may have been taken: trust, safety, years, opportunities, or a relationship. Forgiveness gives up vindictive “debt collection” and entrusts the case to God. We forgive from inside the costly mercy of Christ, who teaches us the power of forgiveness (Rom. 3:23-26; Col. 2:13-14).
What Do I Do With the Wrong?
Meditate on Matthew 18:21-35, Luke 17:3-4, and Romans 12:14-21.
- Refuse revenge.
- Pray for mercy and repentance.
- Seek their true good.
- Tell the truth.
- Entrust the case to God.
- Receive genuine repentance.
We shouldn’t test our forgiveness by whether or not we’re still hurt. We practice it by faithfully following Christ as we navigate and deal with our pain.
Personal & Relational Forgiveness
My personal posture should involve me releasing the wrong to God. This begins with me and doesn’t depend on the offender’s response. I refuse vengeance, seek their good, tell the truth, and entrust judgment to God. Personal release still allows appropriate boundaries and consequences.
Relational forgiveness is what we do with the relationship. It requires confession, repentance, mercy, and participation from both people. It opens the way toward reconciliation, but it doesn’t instantly restore trust or return every relationship to exactly what it was before.
I can release vengeance without their repentance. But we can’t rebuild the relationship without their participation (Luke 17:3–4).
When I’ve Repented But They Won’t Forgive
If you’ve committed the wrong, repair what you can (Rom. 12:18). Accept appropriate consequences and boundaries. Don’t use God’s forgiveness to demand immediate trust or access. But another person’s refusal can’t block God’s mercy. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
What Can I Pray?
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to pray. Here’s an example prayer:
Father, what happened was wrong. You know what it has cost. I surrender my vengeance to you. Give me wisdom and protect those who need protection. Bring them to repentance so that they may fully receive your grace. And lead me to seek their true good. Do not let their evil take root in me. I entrust this case to you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.