“And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Col. 3:14).

Is God Wrong About Love & Marriage?

Early in our marriage, my wife and I had some rocky days that were anything but harmonious. We loved each other so much, but it was a roller coaster ride with plenty of frustration. So, should we add a disclaimer to the verse above (Col. 3:14)? “Not valid for relationships involving in-laws, a shared bank account, division of household chores, differing views on raising children, and different needs for intimacy”? Or just, “Valid for all relationships except marriage”?

We learn a life-changing truth by examining the Bible’s word for love.

This passage doesn’t harmonize with what we see in many couples. So, are we missing something about love? Is it possible that romance and marriage — the part of our lives where we talk about love the most — is where our view of love needs the most work? We learn a life-changing truth by examining the Bible’s word for love.

Two Kinds of Love

Jesus and the apostles talk about agape love. If you’ve never heard this, you might hear, “A goopy love? Do you mean what we had when we first dated and talked for hours? ‘No, you hang up first!’ I guess that was a goopy love?”

Right, but we’re talking about agape love. Greeks had a word for a “goopy” love, getting swept up in the butterflies of romance. That word is “eros.” Eros is where our word “erotic” comes from, but for the ancient Greeks, it had to do with romance — not just physical sensuality. It was that pulse-quickening enchantment we often call “love.” There’s nothing wrong with a goopy love. God invented it! And the Bible celebrates it (see Song of Solomon). And as you bring more agape love to your marriage, you might be surprised to discover more of “a goopy love” follows with it.

In eros, you’re intoxicated by someone’s best attributes. But in agape, you’re committed to their best interest. The former is a great feeling. But it isn’t enough to provide lasting harmony. Greeks talked about eros much more than agape, yet the Bible never uses the word eros. It dusts off this seldom-used, vanilla word, “agape” and puts it at the center of God’s story. Interesting, it never actually defines it, though. The closest it comes is describing WHAT IT DOES:

“In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:10).

Do you want to know what love is? Watch what God did. This relationship isn’t the give-and-take love of equals. We had NOT loved God, but he loved us. How do we know? Because he did something. He “sent” Jesus to take care of our need for peace by taking our guilt through “propitiation” (1 John 4:10). The next verse adds that “if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11).

Sometimes we focus marriage conversations on our differing roles at the end of Ephesians 5. But if we back up in the chapter, we’ll see that the beginning point of every Christian relationship is love (Eph. 5:1-2) and mutual submission (Eph. 5:21). The end of the chapter matters too, but the chapter starts with a command to imitate God and love as Christ loved us (Eph. 5:1-2). So, how did God love us? What is love?

Do you want to know what love is? Watch what God did.

Love Acts, Without Promise of a Return

He sent. He gave. He showed. He manifested. When the Bible speaks of God’s love, a verb almost always follows it. We want to talk about love as something we fall into, like a manhole … or fall out of! God says, “This is love, that I acted.” What if God just told us he loved us but never gave, never acted? Would we even be alive, physically or spiritually?

Love steps into the awkward space between you and says the first painful words, giving the first reparatory act of kindness. We can reach out even when it feels like a concession that you were wrong when you know you weren’t. God acted “at the right time” — “while we were weak” (Rom. 5:7-10). These words have the power to change a relationship. How do I apply them? Practice asking, “What can I do for you? How can I serve you?” Or better yet, do what you already know they need without asking.

When we practice sacrificial, active love, the asterisk goes away.

Returning to our disclaimer, what if we flipped each problem into a call for agape love? What if we saw in-laws, money, work, raising children, and intimacy as opportunities to act first, regardless? Take any potential problem area in a marriage and ask: “What can I do? How can I serve my spouse?” What can I do for their parents? What can I do to give them more security? What can I do to lighten their load? What can I do to understand their worries and dreams for our children? How can I serve their needs in our physical and emotional intimacy?

When we practice sacrificial, active love, the asterisk goes away. Isn’t this the marriage we want? As we follow our Lord’s lead, may he bless us with harmonious homes bound together through Christ-like love.